Archive for March, 2008


March 13, 2008

I did laundry. For the first time in (probably) over 18 months, I did a load of laundry by myself, folding and everything. Well, I have yet to fold some things, but still.

I’m kind of proud of myself for having done that laundry. I see it as a step towards regaining my independence. I’m learning how to do things again now — with both a less cooperative body and more limited (and erratic) brainpower. And I’m proud of that, I really am. I am mine. I know I can’t work and I know the keeping of my personal relationships largely falls on the other parties many times… but I’m almost sure that, given a little help and copious notes, I will be able to take care of myself. My goal is to learn how to keep house despite memory troubles… and to plan such that I will be reasonably comfortable even when I don’t know where I am or what the year is. Laundry is a step, I guess. I’ll learn how often I need to do it.

At the same time… Laundry?! I’m proud of having done laundry?! What kind of sick, sad joke is this?! I’ve done laundry before. I was doing laundry when I was 10 years old! It seems a repulsive thing to be proud of doing laundry at over 240% that age. Sometimes it strikes me as very sad, what my life has become, but it is still mine.

I largely do like myself. Much, much more often than not. Even when I can hardly trust myself to find the words. Earlier tonight, I was lying in bed, talking on the phone with my boyfriend. At the end of the conversation, I lost what I was going to say. I lost the thing I say almost every night… something along the lines of “I hope you sleep well and have a good day tomorrow.” I couldn’t think of the words I’ve said hundreds of nights… and they went unsaid because I couldn’t think of them. That, the… autistic-type behaviors (rocking, pounding, getting easily overstimulated).. um.. probably lots of other things I can’t think of at this moment (I’m having trouble with words right now. Maybe it’s noticeable.) — I still like myself. And I’m just as worthwhile a person as I ever was. One really sad thing, though… is how that, for many years, I didn’t like myself very much. That, to me, is definitely sadder than any of this.