Stupid

I feel so stupid. I know I’m not, not as such, but of course that doesn’t prevent me from feeling differently.

Sometimes it gets to me, all the change, all the differences. Before the downslope became particularly evident, I was going to school for a fairly select field of engineering. In a field where entry students that graduate on time are rare, I was not only on time, but holding a GPA just short of 3.5. But all this really came down my senior year. I went from getting A’s, B’s and the occasional C on tests.. to F’s in all the material in my major. (Though disability services at the university could get me as much as double time, it wouldn’t have been enough.) About a year or so later, I found myself having trouble filling out forms (now I generally let someone else do it, or if I have to, I cover it so I see less of the form at once). Though it’s true that there are times I have significant trouble with my memory, it’s not that I forgot all the material for the tests just as it’s true that I don’t know my address for forms. But it can be enough to cause me to feel stupid… and to feel angry, frustrated. Sigh.

I even forgot about this blog, believe it or not.. Sad. All the same, most of the things here I can’t figure out (at least not right now).. or, better put, altogether they seem to be too much for me to figure out. I’m sure I’ll be up to try sometime.. or might find someone to help me learn it a single function at a time (those I want to use, anyway.)

I have a fever right now and I know that’s not helping anything. (This post is probably particularly disjointed.. but probably not so much as the one in Spanish because my Spanish is terrible.) Sigh. My condition.. it’s one that a raised temperature makes worse. And also one that has left my temperature unstable! As far as I understand, most people’s temperature varies a degree or degree and a half (Fahrenheit). Mine usually varies a degree below normal and two degrees above. Not only that, but it responds to temperature change of the environment. Like, if my temp is high and I see that the temperature of the room drops just two degrees (in the 70s), my temperature will drop as much as a full degree. I guess I’m not so warm-blooded as I should be. It wouldn’t bother me so much if the range was lower, but this is rough stuff.

Anyway, so yeah, my fever is probably making me worse.. and with how high it’s been, probably much worse. I’ve had significant trouble understanding things this evening, which can easily leave me doing not so well. I joined a large message board recently, which may be a good thing to combat isolation as well as keeping me, to some extent, intellectually stimulated. But, of course, there are idiots in the bunch, fools that say things not realizing (or caring to realize) how stupid the things are. On one part, someone saying that disabled people aren’t marginalized and that people who do so are wrong; on another part, someone advocating negative eugenics — sex licenses gained by knowledge tests (which would of course leave out many of the cognitively and learning disabled people, at least) and forced contraception for couples likely to produce children with genetic abnormalities.

Sigh. I have a neurodegenerative disease of the CNS. This causes me many difficulties. But I’m not stupid. At the least, I’m not so stupid as those things. I know, I know.. presume ignorance. But sometimes people like to hold on to their ignorant ideas and I just have to cry and move on.

Oddly enough, I feel I’m finally ready to make this public. It’s scary, that’s true.. but I didn’t start this just to write for myself. Now hopefully I won’t forget about it for too long at a stretch.

Hello, readers.

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